Gaining some weight and some perspective

I gained over the past two weeks: 3.6lbs.

I understand physically why the gain happened: excess calories and not enough exercise, but I really need to evaluate why mentally/emotionally. I realized two things: 1) I still have an emotional eating problem. It got me to be 227lbs. I have not cured myself of this by losing weight. 2) I have become lax in my weight loss efforts because I am kinda happy with the way I look right now. I know that's typically a good thing, but I think I have used hate of my body as motivation to lose. I also convinced myself that the 180's are where my body is happiest, i.e. it maintains at this weight very easily.

Bullshit! I call bullshit on myself. I could have deemed any weight decade to be my comfy zone, the weight range at which my body is happy. My body is not happy there- it knows it can do better. It remembers being 160lbs and it liked it. My mind is happy there- convinced it couldn't possibly fit in another workout or plan ahead more with meals.

I know I can do better and I must.

Fat Camp Emotional Eating

Fat Camp has me focusing on my emotional eating issues this week. My weekend family troubles have been stressing me out, and my body is feeling the effects because I have been feeling like crap all week.

Monday- Skipped exercise after work to go grab a burger and beer at a local bar. Trying desperately to get my mind off of things.
Tuesday- Got in a run, but felt like quitting the entire time. I somehow pushed through to finish my 3 miles.
Wednesday- Scarfed Sunchips at a birthday party for my fiance's cousin, but managed to control myself during the cake. Skipped exercise to go to party and make breakfast for co-workers for Thursday.
Thursday- I made a special breakfast (french toast casserole) for my project team at work because some people are leaving for vacations and this was the last day we'd all be together. I decidedly was going to have some for breakfast, which is ok, but I went back for seconds, which is not okay.

After breakfast, I stopped by some of my favorite blogs. Jack Sh*t's post was exactly what I needed this morning- it's all about taking control of your destiny by removing excuses. I realized that the control I was so desperately seeking isn't attainable by overeating. Eating too many Sunchips didn't smooth things over with my family, and it certainly didn't put me any closer to my weight loss goals.

Here's to finishing Thursday strong with some exercise and mindful eating.

Weigh In

Scale says -0.2lbs and I know why...

I sneaked a peak on Friday to see how the week was progressing and it had me at -1.2lbs. Rather than take this loss as inspiration, I decided to eat the calories back that I had burned. What did I consume?

Saturday: Over 1600 extra calories consumed
Nothing says "Congratulations On Your First Communion" to my fiance's second cousin like getting tipsy and eating bar food at her party!
1/3 cup calamari (300 calories)
3 baked clams (250 calories)
2 glasses of wine (200 calories)
2 pints of beer (340 calories).
Later that evening, my fiance and I went out for a cruise and stopped for a late night snack at Wendy's:
Jr. Cheeseburger (300 calories)
Value Fries (210 calories)

Sunday: Over 1130 extra calories consumed
Applebee's Oriental Chicken Wrap (700 calories)
French fries (430 calories)

I'm sure I would have posted a gain after this shmorgesborg, but I exercised lots this weekend. This was surely my only saving grace.

I'm Angry

I'm really angry. The anger is building up, boiling over, and spilling into all aspects of my life. I don't think that the causes of my anger is the significant aspect, so I won't go there (especially because the reasons I am angry has become quite a list).

It's difficult for me to be angry. I am not angry person.

I get upset- a lot
Annoyed- all day long
But angry- rarely

I think it's mostly because I don't know how to direct angry energy. I'm great at directing nervous or worrisome energy- I clean and clean and clean. But what do I do with this angry energy? Exercise can't even rid me of it.

I'm getting a handle on my over-eating from the past week, but I am still eating too much. I think I'm starting to see a correlation between the amount of my anger and the amount of my eating. Now that I see this pattern, what do I do about it?

Epic Fail

Wow- my eating this week has been horrendous. I have made poor choices and my portion control has been off. Let's recap this week:

Monday: Chicken Parmesan

Tuesday: Chicken cordon bleu, 3 servings of kettle popcorn

Wednesday: I had a work event. Usually, I forgo the appetizers and just get a sensible dinner and one drink, but this time was quite different
Dirty martini, 2 potato skins, 1 buffalo wing, 5 chips in queso dip

Thursday: Date night in our favorite place- Hoboken, NJ. I've been doing okay with date nights, but this time I ordered "the usual"
Thai spring roll, General Tso's Chicken

Friday: 3 servings of cereal

Yikes! I did weigh myself this morning to gauge the damages. I was exactly the same as Monday (185.8) so I can still salvage this week if I snap out of it. I'm not too sure what's prompting this behavior, but I'm really disappointed in myself.

Attack of the over-eater!

This weekend presented a challenge in the eating arena. I fought hard and stayed within my points on Saturday even though I attended a potluck, went to a bar, hit up a coffee and bake shop, and attended a brunch where the only choice was a made-to-order crepe station. I just chose wisely. Yes, it is possible, even at these types of events

At the potluck dinner I took a controlled portion of the homemade macaroni and cheese I made. I also had mostly steamed broccoli salad dressed with lemon juice and olive oil, 1 chicken wing, and some Indian chicken curry- 15-18pts (I guesstimated a higher point value to be safe. I know it was at least 15 though)

At the bar, I had one beer. I think it helped that I was the DD or I may have splurged a bit more there- 3 pts

At the coffee shop I had black tea and a ginger snap cookie- 2pts. I think this was my greatest achievement all week because this late night food run was after the bar in the city I went to college in with some very close college friends. This type of event was a weekly tradition during my college days and it certainly helped me gain weight so to be back in that same situation and know I have changed my ways was motivating to say the least.

Sunday started out with the same fervor that Saturday did, but it ended miserably. I had an egg and bacon crepe, a few bites of a nutella crepe with powdered sugar, and a coffee- 14.5 pts

Since I had a heavy brunch, I had a late lunch of light Progresso soup, salad with balsamic vinegar, and an apple- 2.5 pts

Then I felt that familiar beast inside that wanted to just consume food. It's a horrible feeling that seems impossible to overcome. I tried drinking water and green tea but that didn't help. So I made some air popped pop corn and sprayed it with butter flavored pam and spicy seasonings (hot spices are supposed to help curb hunger)-1 pt

It didn't satisfy the beast! Then my boyfriend and I decided to make some baked chicken wings. The flavor came out great, but the wings themselves seemed fatty so we didn't like them. After some time we decided that we really wanted wings, so we caved and ordered take out from this great bar grill a few doors down from our apartment. Not only did I have boneless buffalo bites, I had turkey on rye with cheese, bacon, cole slaw and Russian dressing with sweet potato fries- 25 pts or almost a day's worth of food.

The worst part for me was not eating all that food, but it was not feeling satisfied until I did.